Jealousy Is A Bitch

I’m not sure why, but I am a very jealous person.  Not for material objects, but dreams made a reality, achievements, and bliss.  Obviously, I didn’t have the courage to make my dreams a reality.

There’s this girl that I worked with at the Lake Louise ski and snowboard school during the 1997-98 and 1998-99 seasons.  Let’s call her J.  She was a nice girl.  A little bit stuck up, but generally pleasant to me.  I skied with her on occasion during free time.  Now, this is going to come out wrong, I know it.  J was a very good skier… for a girl.  lol.  What I mean is, generally the men are more aggressive skiers.  But J could keep up.  In fact, she was a technically better, more confident skier, than many of the men in the school.  I have nothing but good things to say about her ability.

We both did our CSIA level 2 and 3 courses together.  Not to toot my own horn, but the following season after achieving my 3, I was shown in the CSIA level 3 course video as above standard.  I am still a level 3 instructor.  I haven’t done anything meaningful in ski teaching since I returned to Ontario. Last year I saw J in a popular ski magazine as a new equipment tester.  Today I saw that she made the CSIA High Performance Team.  To top it all off, I also see that she has achieved her level 4!

I can’t even begin to imagine how I would feel had I achieved all those things.  While I am 100% positive that nothing was handed to her, and that she had to work hard to make all those things happen, I can’t help but feel jealous and a little bit depressed.  Depressed that I gave up on my dream and went a different path.  I know what you’re going to say. “There’s still time!  Make your dream a reality!”  Truth be told, there isn’t time anymore.  The dream will never become a reality.  I have commitments now.  I can’t just pick up where I left off and walk away.  That’s a full-time thing.  I only have a little bit of time to give.

“Be happy with what you have”, is what you’ll say next.  That’s bullshit.  Of course I am happy with what I have.  But it’s like the person who attempts to climb Everest, only to have to turn around because of bad weather right near the top.  I came close, but didn’t make it to the end.  I could have done it.  I know it in my heart.

So when I reply to you picture posts, “Totally jealous”, or something along those lines, this is what I mean.