Oh, How I’m Breaking Down


I’ve become
A simple souvenir of someone’s kill
And like the sea
I’m constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul as if the great divide could swallow me whole
oh, how I’m breaking down — City And Colour

That feeling of helplessness never really goes away does it?  I was rolling the other day with Prof Mike, and I was stuck on the bottom.  I wasn’t in a position to be submitted, I was just stuck.  I literally couldn’t move.  My hips were plastered to the mat.  I couldn’t make space.  I couldn’t bridge.  I couldn’t shrimp.  I couldn’t roll to my stomach.  Stuck as fuck!  While I was lying there under him, a thought flashed in to my brain; “If I was fighting for my life right now, I would be dead.  There are no two ways about it.  I am completely helpless.”  I didn’t like that feeling.  As soon as he moved to attack an arm, a little space was created and I had that “Phew!” sensation.

These deep dark feelings have been entering my head lately.  I have dreams about getting shot in the face, or stabbed, or choked to death.  They are becoming more and more common.  I have no idea why…

The end



Sept 6


I forced myself to go to the gym this morning. I didn’t want to go. I’m pretty much at the, “why bother fat ass” point. Anyway… I did a 20 minute moderate to hard bike ride followed by a 20 min Spartacus workout. My knees are killing!

If you’re interested in the Spartacus workout, google it. It’s easy to find.

The end.

Feeling Overwhelmed

Well let’s see…  It’s hard for me to describe how I’ve been feeling.  I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head.  It’s like a thousand voices screaming and I have to figure out what each one is saying (I’m not saying that I hear voices).  I feel so overwhelmed.  I want it all to stop but I don’t know how to make it happen…

I have not been happy for quite a while.  So many things have contributed to this.  I read blogs and social media posts where people say that if you want to be happy, you will be.  That’s fucking bullshit.  I’ve tried to make myself happy.  I sit there and I say to myself, “Hey asshole, be happy!”  It doesn’t work.  I have moments of levity where I think maybe I’m going to be happy, but it doesn’t last.  I’m pretty sure that my wife is getting goddamn sick of it.

Why am I so unhappy?  The contributing factors are as follows:

Lack of sleep

For some reason, I can not get a good nights sleep.  I might fall asleep right away, but inevitably I wake up 3 hours later and spend the rest of the night tossing and turning.  Moore often than not, I simply lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.  I have a hard time shutting down my brain.  I get stupid songs stuck in my head and can’t get them out.  I lie there thinking about everything that bothers me, knowing that I am not going to fall asleep.  I have no idea how to shut it down.  I won’t take sleeping pills very often because I’m afraid of getting addicted.

No self-esteem and hatred of myself

I just hate my own fucking guts.  There’s no other way to put it.  I would rather be anyone in the world other than me.  I hate how fat I am.  I hate that I know how to lose the fat but I don’t have the will power to do it.  I even hate the fact that I hate myself.  How fucked is that?  I can’t begin to fathom how I will ever be able to look myself in the mirror and say, “You’re not that bad.”

Constant pain

My knees have been killing me lately.  The right knee is just riddled with arthritis.  It constantly aches and has a decreased range of movement.  Structurally it seems sound, although they did tell me that there’s a possibility that the ACL graft I had on it in 2002 has failed.  I have pretty strong leg so it may not be an issue.  I had surgery on my left knee in June because the join was locking.  There was a piece of meniscus that was torn (bucket handle tear), and it needed to be removed to solve the problem.  It hasn’t worked out the way I’d hoped.  Its been 3 months and there is still quite a bit of fluid (swelling?) in the joint.  I ice it regularly and it won’t go away.  Also, it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch now.  To the point where my knee buckles from the pain.  WHAT THE FUCK?!?  It didn’t pain me before and now it hurts so much that I can’t do half the stuff I like to do.  I feel cursed.

Hatred of my job

It’s basically gotten to the point where all I can think about on my days off, is how much I don’t want to go back to work on my first day back.  Then on that night before, I start to feel sick to my stomach.  Is that good?  I have 20 years left ahead of me…  Will I make it?  Highly unlikely.

Having to take care of a parent

Anyone who says that they enjoy taking care of their elderly parent is full of shit.  Especially when that crusty old parent has pissed off the rest of the family, and they want nothing to do with her, and even though she barely raised you and did jack shit all those years that you needed a mother, it still falls upon you to take care of her.  That sounds like such a lovely situation.  Like, OMG, can that please be me???

Financial worries

I am not one of those people who can get in to debt and not worry about it.  I think about money all the time.  How will I pay for this?  Will I be able to afford that?  How many extra hours am I going to have to work so that I can make my wife and kids happy?  It’s one of the main things I think about at night when I’m lying in bed.  The fucked part is, I’m not bad off at all.  i don’t owe that much.  Just a car payment and a mortgage.  But seeing my back account dwindle to $0 or even lower every 2 weeks makes me crazy.

Why do I suck at everything?

I try so hard at BJJ and Muay Thai, but the fact of the matter is, I SUCK.  I wish that I didn’t like these things so much so I could quit and not think of it ever again.  It would make it a lot easier.  Seriously, the amount of time that I’ve trained BJJ (7 years) should at least allow me to win a white belt tournament.  Guess what?  I can’t.

Let’s see…  Anything else???  Oh wait, that’s enough…

The end